Making Things Up As I Go

It's generally agreed among my friends that I've got some strange opinions. That isn't to say that I'm particularly controversial. I simply come to develop my most passionate viewpoints - coincidentally, all of them concerning Hollywood films - from a foundation of completely unfounded assumptions.

Friend: "Did you see Crash?"
Me: "Ugh, what an awful movie."
Friend: "So you didn't like it?"
Me: "No, I haven't seen it."[1]

This type of reasoning is generally regarded as illogical. I argue that it is simply unusual. Some people feel obliged to wait until after they've seen a film to express feelings about it. This seems rather insecure. When opinion is involved, why not get a head start and make a decision right away? And while this strikes many as presumptious, I maintain that I am merely part of a long tradition of practiced "educated guessers."

Stephen Colbert checks his gut; Luke uses the Force; I foresee M. Night's next movie being a big reel of suck.

I consider myself a gifted bullshitter[2]. This is not to say I am a good liar - in fact, I'm fairly mediocre. I successfully procrastinated on a lot of homework in middle school but I could never pull off a heist, or marry a man for his military access card. But falsehoods and the truth are not the topic of discussion here. We are talking about movies, people! Cinema! The great deception! Isn't suspense of disbelief the moral imperative?

I'll get to my point.

An OkCupid user sent me a message in response to a statement on my profile under the heading "I'm Really Good At...." I had listed "Vehemently opining on movies I haven't yet seen." He challenged. I rallied. I wrote my first (pre?)review, on WALL-E. Then I started this blog.

I will vehemently opine on movies I haven't yet seen. I will probably see them, but that won't change the reviews. Pre-reviews. Whatever. Anyway, I will try to do it regularly, and try not to quit out of shame or laziness, and have fun doing it.

A disclaimer-within-a-disclaimer: I'm a self-conscious writer, and I overcompensate with logorrhea. (And extensive use of a thesaurus. "Wearisome volubility!") Blame my role model: Chuck Klosterman. He's the prince of prattle[3], and Sex, Drugs, & Cocoa Puffs inspired much of my confidence in getting away with writing such nonsensical verbiage. Also, I suspect he makes up half of the things in his books. But that's only because I haven't read any of his reviews.

Enjoy.


1. Yes, I eventually did see it. I was right.
2. Come on, I went to Sarah Lawrence.
3. The Maharaja of Malarky, if you will.